After 34 years of marriage, Diane and I were right in the middle of one of the biggest changes in our lives. Unexpected? No! Challenging? Yes. All changes are! This one involved selling the house we had lived in for fourteen years and moving to another country. You can imagine the stresses that can bring!

Recently, some good friends received news that the husband would be transferred to Singapore. They had no choice about it. Yes, Singapore is the Queen of all Cities, but it still has its challenges: costly housing, education for their children, and a host of smaller matters too.

Even desirable changes bring new tensions. No one knows that better than new parents. The baby they wanted is the baby that is robbing them of their sleep, and perhaps their sanity!

Marriages can breakdown during major changes. In my opinion, though, the change itself does not cause the breakdown. Those marriages fail because the couples had not built strong marriages before the crisis came. Instead of growing together and building strong bonds through mutual love, the couple took their marriage for granted!

To avoid a future like that, you have to start preparing for a different future right now! No matter what the change, it always puts stress on your relationship with your spouse, your children and others.

Like the Boy Scout motto says, "Be Prepared!" How we survive change depends on how we have lived before the change.

Rules for the Road

Transition is a road, not just a destination! So here are some rules for the road that will help you reach your goal.

Take One Step at a Time

Big changes are made up of many small decisions. When you feel overwhelmed by the size of your change, break it down into smaller tasks and decide who will have the primary responsibility for each task.

I use Google Tasks and an app for my iPod to help me do that, but a notebook and a pencil work just as well.

Stay Flexible

Embrace any revision or adjustment that will help your family through the change. Flexibility really is the key to true strength. Rigid people do not have it, so when changes come, they break instead of adapting.

Rigidity always causes unnecessary tensions. Flexibility helps us avoid them.

Stay Together Through the Change

We all struggle with our own insecurities and fears. At times, it seems that we’re on different sides with different viewpoints. If we stay open to persuasion and have patience with each other, the changes draw us even closer.

Support One Another Through the Hard Times

Depending on our makeup and experience, different aspects of a change will be difficult. I hope that every one of you will always be able to say, "My spouse was there for me, encouraging, listening and supporting." And I hope that you will be that supportive encourager that your husband or wife needs right now. Isolation is bad! Involvement is good!

Consider How the Change Will Affect Your Family and Friends

Change doesn't happen in a vacuum. Everybody is affected, even people you might overlook.

Our neighbour wept for two days when she heard the news about our move. She and her family have felt very safe with us next door, and my wife had been a friend and a support to her.

Discuss the changes with your sons and their wives, your aged parents, and your mentors. Informing and consulting with those close to you is the only loving thing to do. And, it helps you make better decisions. True, too many voices can cause confusion. But it's also true that with many wise counsellors, there is safety.

Resist the Temptation to Play the “What If” and “If Only” Game

“What if,” and “If only,” statements are what David Burns, author of Feeling Good, calls, “fortune-telling”. No one knows the future!

Many of the negatives we imagine could happen no matter what we do. And many will not happen at all! Use wisdom and plan appropriately in proportion to the scope of the decision, and you will do just fine.

Take Time to Lay Down All the Details

Have some fun, and some quiet moments. These refresh us and restore our balance. Do not let the change you are facing -- no matter how major it is -- consume you. You are in charge of it; it is not in charge of you!

So find some things to laugh about. Plan some quiet moments every day. Agree that you will close your to-do list at meal time, and before bed. By doing those things, you create some refreshing oases in the difficult transitions that you are on!

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