Parents of adopted children face difficulties unique to their circumstances. If the child was adopted as an infant, the question that may loom at the back of his parents’ minds is, “When and how should we tell our child that he is adopted?”

Understandably, adoptive parents are concerned as to how the revelation will be received by the child and tend to approach the moment with anxiety. “What if he wants to know who his biological parents are and why was he given away?”

How do parents answer and approach such sensitive questions?

In the following questions and answers, family counsellor Dr James Dobson has some insightful comments on questions posed by parents of adopted children.

Question 1: Are adopted children more likely to be rebellious than children raised by biological parents? If so, are there any steps I can take to prevent or ease the conflict?  My husband and I are thinking about adopting a toddler, and the question has me worried.

Answer: Every child is different, and adopted kids are no exception. They come in all sorts of packages.  Some boys and girls, who were abused or unloved prior to the adoption, will react to those painful experiences in some way -- usually negatively.

Others, even those who were not mistreated, will struggle with identity problems and wonder why their real mothers and fathers didn’t want them. They may be driven to find their biological parents during or after adolescence, to learn more about their heritage and family of origin.

I must emphasise, however, that many adopted kids do not go through any of these personal crises. They take root where they are replanted and never give a thought to the question that troubles some of their peers.

As with so many other behavioural issues, the critical factors are the particular temperament of the child and how he or she is handled by the parents.

I hope you won’t be reluctant to adopt that child, just because some special problems might -- but probably won’t -- develop! Every child has his or her own particular challenges. Every child can be difficult to raise.

Every child requires all the creative energy and talent a parent can muster. But every child is also worth the effort, and there is no higher calling than to do that job excellently!

Let me add one more thought. I knew a man and woman who had waited for years to adopt a baby. When a female infant was finally made available to them, they were anxious to know if she was healthy and of good heritage. They asked if her biological parents had used drugs, how tall they were, whether or not they had attended college, etc.

Then, the father told me later that he realised what he and his wife were doing. They were approaching the adoption of this baby much like they would, should they have bought a used car! They were “kicking tires” and “testing the engine.”

But then they thought, “What in the world are we doing? That little girl is a human being with an eternal soul. We have been given the opportunity to mold and shape her and here we are demanding that she be a high-quality product.”

They repented of their inappropriate attitudes and embraced that child in love.

Question 2: What should you tell an adopted child about his or her biological parents, if you know little or nothing about them? How do you answer his tough questions about why he wasn’t wanted, etc.?

Answer: I’ll give you an answer written by Dr. Milton Levine, in a vintage parenting book entitled, Your Child from Two to Five, and then I’ll comment on his recommendation. Dr. Levine was Associate Professor of Paediatrics, New York Hospital, at that time. He listed three possible ways to tell an adopted child about his origin, as follows:

1.   Tell the child his biological parents are dead.

2.   State plainly that the biological parents were unable to care for their baby themselves.

3.   Tell the child nothing is known about the biological parents, but that he was secured from an agency dedicated to finding good homes for babies.

Dr. Levine preferred the first approach because, “the child who is told that his biological parents are dead is free to love the mother and father he lives with. He won’t be tormented by a haunting obligation to search for his biological parents when he’s grown.”

He continued, “Since the possibility of losing one’s parents is one of childhood’s greatest fears, it is true that the youngster who is told that his biological parents are dead may feel that all parents, including his second set, are pretty impermanent. Nevertheless, I feel that in the long run, the child will find it easier to adjust to death than to abandonment.

To tell a youngster that his parents gave him up, because they were unable to take care of him, is to present him with a complete rejection. He cannot comprehend the circumstances which might lead to such an act. But an unwholesome view of him as an unwanted object -- not worth fighting to keep -- might be established.”

I disagree with Dr. Lavine at this point. I am unwilling to lie to my child about anything and would not tell him that his natural parents were dead, if that were not true. Sooner of later, he will learn that he has been misled, which could undermine our relationship and bring the entire adoption story under suspicion.

Instead, I would be inclined to tell the child that very little is known about his biological parents.  Several inoffensive and vague possibilities could be offered to him, such as, “We can only guess at the reasons the man and woman could not raise you. They may have been extremely poor and were unable to give you the care you needed, or maybe the woman was sick, or she may not have had a home. We just don’t know. But there is one thing we do know: she must have loved you very, very much -- enough to give you life and to make sure you were raised in a loving home where you would be taken care of. We’re so thankful that she has let us raise you.”

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